Like the Prose: Challenge #2 – Write the stupidest, dumbest, worstest story possible. Something even a 4-year-old would be like “dude… no! Just… no!”
Once upon a time there was a big little kitten who loved to chase butterflies. He wasn’t particularly good at it because he was overlarge for his young age, which made him kind of clumsy. This was great for the butterflies, because they always got away, but frustrating for the kitten, because he wanted to bring one of the pretty flying insects home to his mother. She loved pretty things. His brothers and sisters were always presenting her with birds and flowers and sometimes even field mice!
Imagine the kitten’s shock, then, when one day, a butterfly landed on his pink nose, and stayed there. It stayed there until the kitten nearly went cross-eyed from staring at it, except that his grandmother’s warning to him about making faces (“Your face’ll get stuck that way!”) rang through his wee furry head and made him blink and then reach up oh, so carefully with his front paws.
Boom!
Well, more like…
Smoosh!
And the butterfly was trapped between his paws.
He trotted home to his mother on three legs, holding the butterfly in one paw. The older cat would be so proud of her youngest kitten! Finally, he had a gift for her! Finally, he had done something grown up!
But his mother wasn’t happy or proud.
“Oh, Tommy,” she gurgled, “I know you meant well, son, but this butterfly is a rare creature, and nearly extinct. Didn’t you know?”
“No,” he purred back softly. “How could I? I’m just a little kitten.”
“Sometimes I forget how young you are, despite your size. Well, we have to call the Authorities, and make it right.”
The Authorities came – two big, brown, Rottweilers – and took the remains of the butterfly to be examined. “You’ll be called for a court date,” they said. “But it’s your first offense. The judge won’t be too harsh on you.”
For three days the big little kitten trembled and shivered, afraid to go outside. His mother tried to be supportive, but she was nervous, too. After all, she’d never had a child who was a criminal before!
Finally, they went to court. It wasn’t a full trial, just a hearing, where the kitten and his mother would speak in front of a judge.
“This doesn’t bode well,” Mama Cat said. “This is a kangaroo court.”
She wasn’t kidding; the judge was an actual kangaroo.
Before the judge could bang the gavel a woman with a briefcase came waltzing in. Well, not a woman. A Siamese cat. “Sorry, sorry,” she said. “I’m Matilda. I’m representing you. It’s my understanding that you’re a child and didn’t know the butterfly you killed was endangered?”
“Yes, that’s true,” Tommy’s mother said.
“That mitigates things. This judge may be a kangaroo, but she’s fair. Really. She never jumps to conclusions.”
“I’m not going to the pound, am I?” The big little kitten asked in a tiny voice.
“No, sweetie, that won’t happen,” his mother assured.
“It really won’t,” Matilda agreed. “Massive fine. Community service. But not the pound.”
The judge asked her bailiff – who happened to be her joey – to call the court to order – and then asked Matilda to present the kitten’s case.
Just as the Siamese was finishing her heartfelt plea for lenience, a Kookaburra burst into the courtrooms, feathers flying everywhere, and a butterfly net in his talons. He dropped the net in front of the judge.
“Stop! Stop! Don’t sent the puss to the pound.”
“Listen here, bird brain,” the judge said, “this is juvenile court. No one’s going to be locked up here.”
“Good because no one killed an endangered creature. Just a normal butterfly.”
“Oh?” asked the judge, her ears standing straight up.
“Oh?” asked Mama Cat and Matilda, both their hackles rising.
“Oh?” mewed the big little kitten, his tone hopeful.
“Oh, no. The species you killed was a nuisance variety. Blue wings with red speckles. The species that’s endangered has blue wings with red speckles and yellow stripes. No stripes, no crime. Just an accident. Actually, a favor. Let this kitten go!”
The judge banged her gavel and called for order.
“As there was no crime, I declare this hearing ended. Tommy Kitten be more careful about what you chase. Perhaps you should meet Little Rabbit FooFoo and hop through the forest instead of stalking innocents. You could do with a friend. Dismissed.”
“Whoop-de-doo!” shouted the Kookaburra. “Tie me kangaroo down, Jack!” He bowed to the two female cats and winked at the kitten before leaving with as much flutter as he arrived.
Mama cat ushered her kitten toward home.
And Matilda?
As her services were now complete, she took the money and ran to Venezuela.
